


Say It For Me

by bavarian_angel



Series: Leap Of Faith [2]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, Coma, Feelings, Hospitals, Hurt Kelly Severide, M/M, Matter of Life and Death, Medical Conditions, Referenced canonical character death, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:33:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26012683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bavarian_angel/pseuds/bavarian_angel
Summary: When decisions need to be made and words become more important than actions.Sequel to "Damn it, Casey!"
Relationships: Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Series: Leap Of Faith [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1888021
Comments: 21
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Before anyone complains - yes, this will have a happy ending... in the end ;)

With the first rays of sunshine, Casey got out of bed. He had long given up to try to get more than that one our of sleep. And that hour had only brought him another nightmare of dragging a dead Kelly out of that cold river...

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Casey rubbed his tired face, before he had a look around the semi-dark room. Less than a month ago, he had shared this bed with the person he had thought of as the love of his life at a certain point. Now it was only him and any trace of Gabby in this room was gone. Over the last few weeks that was usually what made it hard getting up in the morning - feeling alone and betrayed. But now nothing about this mattered any more; not Gabby fucking that guy from PD, not her leaving, not the divorce. There was only one thing on his mind, one person.

A short glance at his watch was enough to bring back the tears to his eyes as he slowly walked over to the bathroom to freshen up. In about 5 hours the doctors’ timeline of 48 hours would be up. Casey didn’t even need to check his phone. The extra loud ring tone would have woken him up if there had been any news from the hospital during the night.

Just like the day before, Casey had fought with the doctors and nurses of the ICU in the evening, begging them to let him stay with Severide, but they couldn’t give him an exception in their strict visitation hours. So he knew, he would be waiting at those doors right at eight o’clock, with him Kelly’s parents and sister. They had come as soon as they had heard from the incident and the condition their son and brother was in.

Casey had feared that it would be terribly awkward when they would find out that he was actually Severide’s medical proxy, but in the end Kelly’s mom had only smiled sadly and had lain her hand on his cheek in a sweet gesture. _“You always held a special place in his heart.”_

However, with every passing hour, without any change in Severide’s condition - still unconscious, still not breathing on his own - the time of decisions was coming closer.

All dressed and ready to go, yet unable to have any kind of breakfast or even coffee, Casey knew he still had time to spare and he would only go crazy if he spent it here or waiting in front of closed doors at the hospital. So he grabbed the pair of keys he had originally gotten for emergencies, but more for the kind of being too drunk and needing a friend.

~*~

In a certain way, it felt wrong getting into Severide’s apartment without him being there. Casey slowly walked inside, dropping the keys on the table in the kitchen area. Of course, he knew the place. He has been over for a beer a couple of times, but now it just felt empty. For a moment, Casey just wanted to turn around again. It was a mistake coming here and he had no idea what he wanted here. But then, if he was really honest with himself, he knew what he was looking for. Because somehow he knew that it would come down to a decision and he had simply no idea what to do.

Casey had no idea how long he had been standing in the kitchen, not moving, before he slowly made his way over to Severide’s bedroom. Something just drew him there and as soon as he stepped inside, he saw what he was looking for.

On the cabinet next to the bed, as well as on the wall, there were pictures, lots of pictures and Casey recognized most of them immediately. Andy, Shay, quite a few from 51 and the academy. But it was one picture in particular that caught Casey’s eye. It looked like it had been cut out from another photo because they weren’t even at the center of it, but somewhere in the background. It had been taken at 51 and they hadn’t even been aware of the photographer as they were just looking at each other, smiling as if nothing else mattered in this moment, except the person right next to them.

~*~

Back at the hospital, there was a somber mood in that ICU room. Nothing had changed with Severide. He wasn’t breathing on his own and showed no signs of waking up. His mom and sister had excused themselves while the doctor was once again performing a few examinations, unable to watch the scene. Casey was sitting on one side of Kelly’s bed, Benny standing against the wall on the other side. After finishing his last notes, the doctor left the room for a moment, promising to be back with his final evaluation in a few minutes.

“You know, I always knew that there was a risk involved... From the moment he told me that he wanted to be a firefighter.” Benny’s voice was rough, nothing like Casey had heard it from the older man before. “And I mean, I’ve been there, I’ve seen it with my own eyes... Young guys, good men, way before their time, but I’ve never thought of even the possibility that I might have to-”

Casey only nodded, when Benny couldn’t go on. He kept his eyes on Kelly, knowing exactly what the other man meant. Casey had been there before as well. They had buried Andy. He had stood by Severide’s side at Shay’s funeral. Hallie... Anna...

Swallowing against the lump in his throat, Casey turned around when the door to the room opened again. Kelly’s mom and Katie came back inside, both unable to hold back their tears, followed by the doctor and a nurse. One look at the doctor was enough for Casey to know what he was going to say. Burying his face in his hands, leaning against Kelly’s bed, Matt sobbed, drowning out the dreaded words.

“Unfortunately, there hasn’t been a single trigger against the vent. He shows no signs at pain stimuli, which means that he is in a comatose state. Of course, there are options to keep him on the ventilator and keep him comfortable. However, especially in cases of drowning, we have to assume that his brain had been without oxygen for a certain amount of time, leaving possible extensive damage. We are unable to examine the extent of said damage in a comatose state. Mr. Casey...”

Hearing his name, he looked up, knowing that everybody’s eyes were on him in that moment. He was only able to nod slowly, indicating that he was listening.

“You’ve been placed as Mr. Severide’s medical proxy. From what I’ve heard, you’ve known him for a very long time. What do you think would be his wishes?”

Unable to answer immediately, Casey turned towards Severide again. He slowly stood up, trying to wipe the tears from his face before he took his hand. As carefully as possible, Casey sat down on the edge of the bed, bringing Kelly’s hand up to his lips, pressing a tender kiss to his fingers.

“Firefighting is Kelly’s life. 51 is his home... Not this... Not like this... He wouldn’t want to live like this...”

Unable to let go of Kelly’s hand, Matt turned around towards the doctor and nodded.

“Okay... I’ll... We’ll let him go...”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for those comments and kudos!
> 
> This one might not be best, but I wanted to get it finished and posted for you.

The doctor nodded at Casey’s words, looking at all the devastated faces in the room.

“Okay. I’ll give you some time to say your goodbyes. Whenever you’re ready, just come and let me know.”

As soon as the doctor and the nurse left, the only noises in the room were coming from the machines keeping Severide alive. Casey kept looking down at his still body; he just couldn’t face the others right now.

“I’m so sorry... I hope you can forgive me.”

When he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder, Casey turned to see Benny standing next to him. The older man’s eyes were full of unshed tears.

“Don’t be sorry, Matt. Kelly... he...”

Benny couldn’t go on, but somehow Casey knew what he wanted to say. He only nodded before turning towards Kelly’s mother and sister.

“I’ll leave you to it.” His soft words could barely be heard over the hissing of the ventilator, when he looked back at Kelly and squeezed his hand one more time. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

He knew there wouldn’t be an answer and yet it left a hollow feeling when Casey stepped outside, giving Kelly’s family some privacy for a moment so intimate, yet horrible that nobody wanted to experience in their lifetime.

~*~

Casey had no idea how much time had passed when Kelly’s family came out of his room. They all, even Benny, had tears running down their faces. No words were needed. Casey knew and understood when they passed him, Benny just patting his shoulder for a moment before they took a seat in the waiting area for the ICU.

He was used to running into burning buildings, crawling into crushed vehicles, and yet those few steps towards Kelly’s room were some of the hardest of Casey’s life - and he had have his fair share with his family history. But this was different.

Usually they didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. They didn’t know that the other’s time was up.

Casey had lost a best friend before, had seen him die right in front of him with his own eyes. How fucked up was his life that he found himself in that situation again just a few years down the road? And once again, it was all because he had made a mistake.

He should have waited for squad to vent the back. He should have pulled rank on Andy and hold him back before he had crawled through that window.

He should have pulled rank on Kelly as well. He should have ordered him off that roof way before the explosion. At least he should have come up with a plan that didn’t involve life threatening risk.

Casey’s whole body was shaking when he stepped inside Severide’s room and closed the door behind him. At first he couldn’t move. All he could do was stand there and look at Kelly lying in that hospital bed.

It was in this moment that Matt realized that this was more than saying goodbye to a friend.

He didn’t even fight the tears any more, just clumsily wiping them away before slowly walking over to the chair next to Kelly’s bed. Dragging it as closely as possible towards Kelly, Matt carefully took his hand into his own, laying his other hand on Kelly’s head.

With his fingertips softly playing with the grey hair, sobs overcame Matt as he lay his head next to Kelly’s on the pillow.

It took Matt several minutes, until he managed to speak through his tears with a cracked voice:

“That’s not fair, Kelly. You hear me? What am I supposed to do without you? I’m a mess... My life’s a mess and I just can’t keep losing people. Especially the one who kept me going on. You were there the night Hallie- You helped me carry her out. Fuck... It was you I came to when the fighting with Gabby started. And it should have been you when Andy... Kelly, you need to know that there wasn’t one single second that I blamed you for his death. Never...

“But you know what? What I realized back then? That I couldn’t lose you, too. I don’t know if you remember that fire, about a month after Andy’s death, when Hermann and me crashed through all those floors right through to the basement. You helped me climb out of there and when I wanted to pull you up that table gave in. I never told you that, but I’ve never been more scared in my life. I had the feeling that I couldn’t hold you up, that you would slip out of my hands...”

Matt carefully lay his forehead against Kelly’s.

“From that moment on I couldn’t deny that you were the most important person in my life. But I was scared shitless, Kelly. Our friendship had already been in ruins by that point, how was I supposed to deal with feeling more than that for you? I know I’m a coward for never telling you this before now, but I can’t let you go without you knowing it. I love you, Kelly. And that’s why I can’t... I know you wouldn’t want it. Anybody who has ever seen you running into a burning building would know that you would hate such a life...

“I hope that wherever you’ll go that Shay and Andy will be waiting there for you. And maybe the three of you can watch out for us. Our wall at 51 isn’t big enough for yet another picture...”

Swallowing against the lump in his throat and licking the saltiness of his own tears off his lips, Matt leaned in and placed a soft kiss on the corner of Kelly’s mouth.

“It’s okay. You can let go now. I love you.”

In this very moment Matt noticed how his hands started shaking. Not surprised by his body’s current reactions, he was about to pull back, about to get up and get the doctor, when he suddenly noticed that it wasn’t him who was shaking.

The hissing and beeping noises of the machines got mixed with the rattling noise of the bed as Kelly’s whole body started shaking within.

Shocked and scared, Matt stumbled back and rushed over to press the emergency call button, while not taking his eyes of Kelly. Several alarms went off inside the room as Matt noticed Kelly’s chest heaving heavily, as if his body was suddenly fighting the ventilator.

He couldn’t believe what was going on, like his mind couldn’t catch up what his eyes were seeing, especially when the doctor and several nurses suddenly rushed into the room.

“What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

Matt didn’t get an answer when one of the nurses more or less forcefully pushed him outside.

“Please, Mr. Casey, give the doctor some room.”

Before Matt had even the chance to answer, the nurse had closed the door again and he could only see the outlines of the people inside through the milky glass. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, still not understanding what was happening, when Kelly’s family came rushing over, alarmed by the turmoil going on.

Moments dragged on like hours and Matt simply couldn’t answer all those questions coming from Kelly’s family. It felt so odd - he had just said goodbye to Kelly, not ready but willing to let him go, and now he was yet again afraid of losing him. But there was also something else. A very tiny flame of hope, so tiny that Matt wasn’t willing to really acknowledge it yet.

Inside the room, it suddenly seemed to calm down and this time it was Matt again who started shaking when he saw the doctor coming outside.

Nobody was ready to ask, just trying to read the doctor’s perplexed facial expression.

“He just started breathing on his own again.”


	3. Chapter 3

Within less than 30 minutes, the atmosphere in the hospital room had changed completely. Once again, Kelly’s family and Matt were standing around the bed, but this time there was hope in their faces instead of utter despair.

The doctor had told them that they had managed to take Kelly of the vent, but that he hadn’t woken up so far. However, him starting breathing again so suddenly was a very good sign. Of course, nobody could say when there would be more improvement, but the most important step had been taken.

This time it was Kelly’s mom who spoke in a soft voice with her son while Katie was sitting on the bed with her brother and Benny was standing at the end of the bed. On the other side, Matt was sitting in silence, just holding Kelly’s hand, his thumb stroking it gently.

Several more hours went by without anything else happening. And still, it was only when the night nurse appeared and reminded them that visiting hours were over, that they all got up, hoping the next day would bring another improvement.

~*~

Matt was the first to arrive the next morning. Despite the miraculous turn of the day before, he had barely managed to get some sleep. Every time he had hit dream land, he had watched the doctor turning off the machines and pronounced Kelly’s time of death - only for Matt to wake up sweating and panting.

However, he tried to push those images into the furthest corner of his mind as he walked towards Kelly’s room. Things had changed yesterday. The fight was back on.

Matt had called Boden late last night and had told his chief what had happened before requesting further furlough to be able to stay with Kelly in the upcoming days. Boden had just told him not to worry and to keep in touch.

After reaching the door to Kelly’s room, Matt carefully opened it and was about to say _good morning_ to Kelly, but the words never left his mouth. There was a tiny yet significant change.

Ever since he had been put in ICU, Kelly had been resting on his back or certain positions the nurses had put him in to prevent bedsore, but this morning he was lying turned slightly on his left side with his left hand curled up next to his face - a position Matt had seen him sleeping in several times overnight at the firehouse or during the time they had been roommates.

“Good morning, Matt.” Hanna, one of the ICU nurses, had appeared next to Matt, a tray with medication and syringes in her hand, her smile slightly faltering when she saw the shock on his face. “Is everything alright?”

“Did you put him in that position?” Matt asked, nodding towards Kelly while still unable to move from his spot.

“No. He actually started to get restless early last night. Moved his hands and feet a lot. He only settled a couple hours ago. He got himself into that position.”

Hanna smiled as she passed Matt and entered Kelly’s room.

“Did he...?”

Administering something into Kelly’s IV, Hanna shook her head.

“No, he didn’t wake up or opened his eyes yet. But with all that happening in the last 24 hours, my guess is he won’t leave us waiting too long now.”

~*~

An hour later, Kelly’s family had arrived and everybody had resumed their place around Kelly’s bed. Matt had filled them in on the news from last night, leaving everybody even more optimistic.

It wasn’t until the nurse had been around one more time though that Matt saw movement out of the corner of his eye while he was talking to Katie. He immediately turned towards Kelly, unable to stop the smile on his face when he noticed him slightly scrunching his nose.

“Kelly?”

Everybody’s eyes were on the man in the bed in that moment, all looking for more movements and hoping for more.

The scrunched up nose was followed up by a groan before he slowly pressed his left hand against his left eye, slightly rubbing it. It looked like he was waking up from just an ordinary nap.

“Kelly? Come on. Open those eyes...”

Matt was the only one who dared to speak in this moment. He wanted to lay his hand on Kelly’s head, wanted to kiss and mumble those words against his forehead, but with everybody else in this room, there was no way he would get away with it as they had no idea about his real feelings for Kelly. And he didn’t even dare to think about Kelly not wanting him that close...

Another groan before Kelly finally started to slightly open his eyes, immediately blinking against the bright hospital light.

It took him another moment until his eyes stayed half way open while slowly turning his head, looking around the room.

“Oh, fuck...”

In this moment, those were the most beautiful words to Matt’s ears. He chuckled, unable to hold back his grin.

“Welcome back.”

Before Matt could say anything else, Kelly’s mom was all over him, Katie not far behind. Even Benny had finally moved from his spot in the corner of the room and stood next to his ex-wife and daughter. Matt couldn’t even register everything that’s been said, knowing that this was something between Kelly and his family.

It was in this moment, watching Kelly being awake, talking and hugging his family, that Matt suddenly felt like an intruder. It had been different when Kelly had still been in that coma, now he wasn’t so sure any more if his feelings for the other man would be welcome or not.

What if Kelly had only put him as medical proxy because his family wasn’t always in Chicago? What if Kelly didn’t return his feelings? What if it would destroy their friendship when he repeated those _I love you_ s to him while being awake?

Matt tried to swallow against the lump that was forming in his throat as he slowly stood up from his chair.

“I... I’ll give you some space. See you later, Kelly, okay?”

He knew that he was a coward, not even waiting for an answer from Kelly as he fled from the room - not seeing Kelly’s confused look, not hearing the soft _Matt_ coming from his lips.

~*~

Matt couldn’t even remember how he got back to his apartment. Somehow he must have made it before turning off his cell phone and disconnecting his landline. He only got the unopened bottle of scotch out of the kitchen cupboard before crawling into his bed.

So the rest of that day as well as yesterday had passed by in a haze of sleep and drinking, trying to chase away his thoughts. It was like a dam had broken, now that Kelly had woken up, and everything had come crushing onto Matt - almost losing his best friend, giving consent to take him off life support, realising that it was more than some fantasies and hidden feelings, admitting to himself that he was in love with another man with a very big chance of that man not loving him back. All of that had finally taken a toll on Matt.

He didn’t know when he had managed to finish of that bottle of scotch, but he was very well aware of that pounding in his head when he woke up around midday on the third day. It was only after several moments that Matt realized that the pounding actually wasn’t in his head, but coming from the front door.

Groaning, he tried to bury his face in his pillow, hoping whoever it was would just go away. However, the pounding didn’t cease. Finally, Matt realized that he had to open the door because only his friends could be so stubborn and he was afraid they would call PD if there was no sign of him.

After quickly pulling on some pyjama pants and a tshirt, Matt tottered towards the front door.

“Okay, okay, I am alive...” Matt mumbled as soon as he had pulled it open.

“Thank god for that.”

There in the hallway was Kelly, still looking slightly on the pale side, but smiling. Matt on the other hand had frozen up, holding onto the door, not knowing if he was dreaming or not.

“They already discharged you?” Matt finally asked, his voice scratchy.

Kelly had the decency to look slightly guilty while scratching his neck.

“Let’s say, the decision was forced upon them as soon as all my tests came back clear and all they could tell me was to rest.”

“You’re not resting.”

Matt finally managed to get rid of the shocked expression on his face, now scolding Kelly in a more disapproving manner.

“I could maybe rest a bit on your couch if you’d let me in. Matt... we need to talk.”

Sighing, Matt knew Kelly was right. He couldn’t hide forever. After all, as soon as Kelly was cleared for duty, they had to work with each other again.

He stepped back and let Kelly into the apartment. After a short detour through the kitchen, Matt came into the living room where Kelly had already got comfy on the couch. Matt couldn’t help himself and think that it was a lovely sight. Slightly shaking his head to get rid of that thought, Matt walked over, putting down a water bottle as well as a beer in front of Kelly.

“I didn’t know if they put you on any kind of medication...”

Matt himself had gone for a water, knowing that he had already consumed way too much alcohol over the last couple of days.

Reaching for the water, Kelly mumbled a short _thanks_. After emptying about half the bottle, he put the cap back on, but let it rest in his hands, suddenly way more interested in it than looking at Matt.

“Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you disappear from the hospital?”

The question was like a punch to the gut. Matt had hoped that Kelly would just never mention that and he would never have to explain himself.

“I... I just wanted you to have some time with your family, you know, after waking up and everything.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know that see you later meant several days later...”

Matt could only shrug. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t want to lie, he didn’t want to say the truth. He wasn’t even able to look at Kelly. Staring at the coffee table in front of him, Matt only felt Kelly slightly slide over to him, but still keeping a bit of a distance.

“My dad told me what happened, you know.”

Hearing those words, Matt could only close his eyes and let his head drop towards his chest. He didn’t even want to ask Kelly what exactly Benny had told him - about the jump, the life support or Matt’s decision.

“Matt, I don’t blame you if that’s what-”

“Why the fuck did you put me in this position, Kelly?”

At first, Matt hoped that Kelly wouldn’t hear the tears in his voice that threatened to fall, but then he just gave up the fight. Letting them fall freely, Matt looked over at Kelly. He could see shock, sorrow and something else he couldn’t name in this moment.

Unable to move himself, Matt could only watch as Kelly finally closed the last distance between them as he lay a hand on Matt’s shoulder. From there he slowly let it wander towards Matt’s neck before letting it rest in his hair, his fingers gently running through the blond strands.

“Because to me you’re the most important person in this world. And I wouldn’t want anybody else make a decision for me except you.”

Closing his eyes, Matt leaned back into Kelly’s touch, sighing at its softness. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest because he couldn’t decide if he should just sit here and enjoy this short moment of heaven or if he should initiate something himself, risking so much if he read those signals wrong.

Finally, Matt opened his eyes and once again looked at Kelly. Seeing the soft smile, he knew there was only one way.

Reaching for Kelly himself, he slowly pulled him in, his insecurity still giving him room to stop it. But Kelly didn’t hesitate one moment, laying his lips on Matt’s.

The kiss was shy and slow at first until Matt let out an approving groan. He happily let Kelly deepen the kiss before Kelly’s strong arms pulled him into his lap. Wrapping his arms around Kelly’s neck, it immediately felt so right to Matt.

After a short while, they broke apart, but didn’t let go of each other as they sat there, forehead to forehead, holding on as if they could lose the other again.

“You know, when I was in that coma, I couldn’t really feel anything. There were pictures, but not like dreams. And I could hear people talking, but not everything, only bits and pieces...”

Matt looked deep into Kelly’s eyes, not knowing what to expect.

“And you know what? I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it all this way, thank you very much and I hope you liked it :) I would love you endlessly for any kind of feedback.
> 
> <https://musingsatmollys.tumblr.com/>
> 
> This is my writing tumblr. Not much there yet, but I might start doing some requests in the foreseeable future.


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